Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
