I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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