Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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