i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
