Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
