Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
