You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
