I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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