i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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