WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
