My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
