To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
