She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize