babies were throwing up all over the place
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
