look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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