woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
