Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The beer is more important than you right now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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