Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
