so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
