My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
