Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
