you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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