The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
