I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
