his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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