Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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