Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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