Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
