On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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