It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He better not be in your backpack
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize