If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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