i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
don't judge my taste in strippers
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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