Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
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You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Can I color on your dick again?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize