guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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