My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
