I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
