Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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