her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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