did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
