You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize