oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
