Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
