I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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