New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
