Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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