Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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