im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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