where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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