Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
