Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
