I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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