Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
