non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
