Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
